Miscellany

In all wars Truth is always the first casualty

Even being buried isn't safe

Having just spent a short holiday in Norway I have decided to be buried in the UK. You see in the town where I stayed, the clerk in charge of burials told me, very seriously, "Our graveyard is now very close to the edge of the cliff edge due to erosion, so much so it is becoming increasingly dangerous to be buried there."

Charles Lamb was not terribly fond of music

I am constitutionally susceptible of noises. A carpenter's hammer, or screeching saw on a warm summer noon, will frighten me into more than midsummer madness. But those unconnected, unset sounds are nothing to the measured malice of music

Funny things happen in surgeries

A young doctor had just opened his new Practice door for the first time. He sat at his desk feeling rather proud of himself and the framed certificates round the walls. Not as many as some, but there would be more. His beautifully polished, and new, receptionist opened the connecting door and told him there was a gentleman to see him. He told her to send the man in, and wanting to appear very busy, picked up the phone and said, "All right, I'll try and make time to see you at eleven, but please don't be late, I'm rather busy you know." He hung up and turned to the gentleman waiting quietly in the patient's chair.

"May I help you?"

"Not really boss, I've only called in to connect the phone."

Sleep on it

A man called on his doctor as he needed treatment for severe constipation. The doctor examined him and prescribed some tablets. He asked the patient to call in for a check up in two weeks time. When the man called in he seemed rather fed up and gloomy. He explained that the tablets seemed to be working well, he went every morning at 7.30.

"So", asked the doctor, "why the long face?"

"Well you see, I don't get up until 8 o'clock."

People are weird

A man rang the emergency service and said in an agitated voice, "What do I do? My three year old son has swallowed a razor blade!" The NHS Direct nurse tried to calm the man down saying, "Now don't panic, take it easy, we'll get an ambulance to you immediately. Have you actually done anything yet?

"Yeh", the man answered, "I shaved with the electric razor."

See below, the Greeks had a word for it. "Trouble" is the word. It often became two and were "kill him." But then it makes a nice bedtime story for the kiddies, lots of blood and gore.

Achilles and Patroclus

They were really good friends but after a few drinks outside the walls of Troy, Achilles, as so many best friends have done since, bumped his best mate off. Then he was all upset about it and one of Greek Gods decided he must punished. The problem there was that Achilles mum had washed in a magic river so nothing could ever hurt him. She then made all the trees swear that their wood could never be used to make a weapon that would kill her beautiful, if homicidal son. Unfortunate she forgot a couple of things, it's called hubris if you're interested and means that whatever happens you'll get in the end. In Archilles' case it was in his ankle. Mum had held him by his ankle to dangle his little body in the magic river, and oh dear she forgot to make the Mistletoe promise not to hurt her manic son. An arrow was made out of mistletoe by a blind fletcher who, at a feast shot it in fun. Of course it hit Achilles in the ankle and, well, that was the end of him.

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